McLilMang

Anyone ever experience vivid dreams everynight accompanied by waking up super uncomfortable? Like anxious or almost as if your having a panic attack? If so, does it ever go away?

Since the age of about 9 Ive been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, MDD, with mentions of Bipolar, OCD, BPD. Pretty much everything except scizophrenia( which Ive developed a fear of getting cause Im convinced Im going crazy, but people blame that on my irrational anxiety). People say Im dealing with too much stress which I gotta focus on changing. I dont really trust doctors much anymore lol. I understand a diagnosis can be difficult but damn.

Im new here. Finally, I decided to start an account after obsessively digging through this forum and countless others. After dealing with this for atleast 6 months, Im not quite sure its HPPD anymore and Im convinced Im going mad and dealing with some crazy mental illness no one has ever encountered. Basically, back in September 2018, I went out, got almost blackout drunk, and foolishly decided to take a large dose of LSD (Might not have even been acid, I can barely remember and the source is a sketch). Started out great but once the alcohol had worn off, my mind exploded. Had to stay at the sketchy dudes house. Ive dealt with this before but it was nothing and quite enjoyable. Now I think Ive just fried my brain. Ive done alot of self diagnosing, had bouts of what I assume to be dpdr, but I still dont feel like myself and from all that Ive read, dpdr doesnt last this long. Like I said, I probably have some new disorder thats taken my life away. Ive seen therapists and psychiatrists since about 9 years of age and decided to go back, and also have decided to take medication again. Also had 2 stays in a psych ward since Christmas of 2018. Though I must admit things have gotten slightly better, Im convinced ill be like this forever. My family and friends are tired of my irritability, its hard to do anything I need to. There are nights I want to get sloppy drunk in an effort to hide from the hell Im enduring, but its difficult even doing that. Sleep has become hell. I wake up every morning anxious as hell and vivid dreams that arent even scary horrify me. I guess Im just here for support on my overall mental health. I dont know what to do. Whats the point of living when its no longer enjoyable? I have more I can share, but Im in a hurry and my mind is a scrambled mess, so heres this for right now.