After a couple of years of smoking pot in my early teen years I took a leap into psychedelics. Things went swimmingly until I decided to try MDMA along with LSD. My one and only bad trip... I couldn't wait to come down! After about 48 hours (I think MDMA was cut with speed) I finally fell asleep with the hopes my nightmare was over. It wasn't. I woke up in the midst of a bad trip that persisted. I wasn't coming down. About two weeks in I started to think it was getting a bit better and decided to smoke some weed with my friends. Worst idea ever. It immediately triggered a panic attack and landed me right back into a bad trip.
That night after I realized that I was seriously considering mutilating my belly open with a buck knife, I walked upstairs to my otherwise unknowing parents and proceeded to inform them that their son was not only a druggie, but he was batshit crazy to the point of causing severe bodily harm.
That evening I was admitte into the psych ward at a hospital about an hour into the city. I was frwaking out so bad that they put me under heavy sedation and suicide watch. After several days I. There I begged my folks to get me out, as they would not even allow the only thing that kept me grounded - music, it was against the ward policy to have Walkmans because it could be an issue with other patients.
After two weeks, and a heavy dose of Benzos and anti depressants the let me out with a diagnosis I "acute psychotic reaction."
Since then I had pondered killing myself many times, until I learned to just be one with my new situation. I discovered that the thought that thins were not supposed to be that way was what made things worse. One thing I did a lot of was drink, it seemed to ease the symptoms slightly, but it caused other problems of course.
I would at times feel like I was trapped inside a hull I had absolutely control over and I was slipping further into insanity. I thought I might he cought in loops or spend the rest of my life confused and scared. I also feared doing something haneous to others. :|
I taught myself little tricks to make my life a little easier. Breathing exercises helped a lot. In fact, I still use them to go to sleep, and I've even graduated to MBSR and Zazen. I focused more on music and stared writing music/ touring in a band. Once I embraced my new nuttiness it actually came to benefit me. After time, I was back into dating and being a rowdy teenager, but I didn't touch pot or psychedelics again. If I did, I know it would kick me right back into it again.
It gets better I promise!