ramblingon

Thanks for the replies everyone, it really means a lot to me. Jay1, that is actually encouraging. Thank you. I do have some money saved up, I'm seriously considering traveling, actually. I could manage to get away for a week or so, might do me some good. Also, yes I believe I have tried lamictal in the past, before I acquired HPPD. Might look into that again. Thanks for the offer of letting me PM you too, might take you up on that at some point. Gmo, I have all the visual symptoms, and DP/DR. I'm sure there are worse cases of HPPD out there, but I believe mine to be fairly severe. Thanks for the words, I appreciate it. I know suicide is a touchy subject. I'll just say It's not HPPD alone that makes me feel this way. But I'm not at that point yet. Thanks again guys. And I'm sorry for clustering up the forum with a thread I basically just complained in - I really wish I were in a condition to give something back to this community. I can't get this performance out of my head the past couple months: (NSFW - Language)

This post may be depressing, and I apologize if it is. Haven't logged in in quite a while, just trying not to think about hppd too much. In a month I will have had hppd for 2 full years. I've learned to live with it a little since then, but not the life I want. It's hard to keep going everyday. I've tried medications, but no real improvement from them. I was depressed for years before I even got hppd, and this was the icing on the cake. I've almost given up and having a decent life. I really don't see this improving. I didn't want to go the benzo route, but I might have too try. I know assisted suicide can be a touchy subject, but honestly, i've been suffering for years. I tried to talk to people close to me about it, but they wouldn't hear it. I can't bring that up to my parents again, but I'm in constant suffering. I couldn't possibly kill myself while my parents are still alive, they shouldn't have to go through that, but I feel like a great burden to them. As soon as the last one of my parents keels over, I'm done. Now I feel like I'm just waiting out my miserable time I have left. Maybe I'll find a cure in the years before it comes to that. Keep looking on the bright side, everyone. I hope everything works out for you all. I wouldn't say I've given up completely yet, but I'm certainly at a new rock bottom in my life, and I can't even go have a goddamn beer to help pass the time, because of my HPPD. I don't know any of you, but my heart goes out to everyone with HPPD. Or any life crippling mental illness. And believe me, I've been diagnosed with more "mental illnesses" than I can count, and been put on so many medications in the last 15 years or so, that I think I can say I know what it's like.

Hmm, well. I've tried keppra. It seemed to help at first. I liked it for a while, then the side effects started to bother me too much and I stopped. Side effects were extreme, extreme, fatigue (I was on it for 3 to 4 months, never improved, though my doc was increasing the dosage the whole time) and low libido. Then I've gone the supplement route. I currently take NAC, L-tyrosine, and Valarian root on occasion. L-tyrosine seems to help, NAC I'm not sure, but certainly nothing negative from it. Valarian root in nice, calming and helps in the anxiety department a bit, i'd say. I started taking this all at different times so I could note the effects/changes with each one. That's about it. I think DP/DR is my main problem now-a-days. Anyway, those are what i've tried.

EDIT: Spelling error in title; your* HPPD, to me, is fairly unpredictable. I experience boughts of DP/DR every single day, during which I can't think. I've never felt more stupid than during those times. I fear being around people during those times, because of how out of it I must seem. Cognitively I'm just not there. I can't hold a conversation. I can't concentrate on anything, or think quickly if at all. I'm just there, kind of dazing or tripping out. I have no idea what triggers these things. Possibly anxiety, but to me it just seems random and unpredictable. Everyday. I really cherish my moments of clarity, however brief. I find myself going out less because I don't know how i'll be an hour from now. I start school soon and I feel like HPPD is getting worse yet again. It's been over a year for me, and I still feel so...for lack of a better word, stupid. All the time. I just can't think and concentrate. I've done okay for periods of time but it always comes back harder. How do you plan you life around something so unpredictable? Am I just setting myself up for failure thinking this way? In my head, I don't think so. There is something wrong with my brain chemically that I can't control. Is that true? Can this be mastered, and can I live a full life? I don't feel like myself. I think I lost that person a long time ago. I don't feel the love I used to have for family and friends, and I wish I did more than anything. I wish I could wake up, see a familiar face and instantly know how much that person means to me. Seems like I remember big things, but not details now. Such as...."This guy. He's been one of my best buds since high school. Cool." But I don't feel connected anymore. Sorry for the rant, think HPPD and DP/DR are hitting me hard today and I'm felling down about it. I was doing pretty well for a while and might have got too optimistic.

Ludwig very inspiring to hear! Congratulations. You too Boogres. I've been living with HPPD for a year and some months now, and have been unemployed and out of school most of that time. A year ago going back to school was not an option at all to me, but wouldn't you know it, i'm all signed up and paid for to start back into college with a couple classes starting next month. I'm stoked. Side note: Damn school is expensive.

Thanks a lot Visual. Very helpful and I appreciate the response. I will say my interest in the brain/neurology has increased ten fold since the onset of HPPD, and the more I learn the better. I've got plenty of reading to do now. Thank you once again, your post throughout this whole board have been most informative to me!

Cigarettes are strange for me. I recently tried to quit and failed after a couple weeks. I will say, for the most part, that I don't notice a difference in my HPPD smoking cigarettes. Although i've been smoking since before I acquired it. Strange note: Sometimes, usually when I have not had a stoge in a while, smoking a cigarette gets me really high for 5 minutes or so. I hate it, actually. Say I didn't smoke the night before, then the next morning that first cig will make me noticeably high. Like you're first time ever smoking you got that head rush? Like that, but more intense, only started happening after having HPPD for a while - defiantly not normal. Some people seem to do okay with nicotine and caffeine, others don't. You could always make you're best shot at quitting and see if it helps. Quitting is often for the best anyway. Wish I could be more helpful. Perhaps someone here has some real insight and not personal experience/speculation, though.

Hi fella's. I just came across an article about theanine, and was wondering if anybody had looked into it or tried it? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theanine I guess it increases dopamine to the brain, which seems like it would be good (for me, anyway) and possibly decreases serotonin, at least that's been suggested. But I don't really know enough about this stuff, and was hoping some of the more knowledgeable people here would have some ideas about it? Pardon any dumb questions but.... " its primary effect seems to increase the overall level of the brain inhibitory transmitter GABA" Could someone explain what GABA is in lamens terms? I was thinking of getting this as a supplement and trying it. EDIT: BTW, I was posting as ramblingon, just changed my name if anyone cares/was curious. I think Lt. Broccoli is a rather fitting star trek reference for me

I too have had OCDish thoughts from a young age about certain things. I was also diagnosed Bipolar before HPPD, but I really believe that to be a miss-diagnoses. It was a wasted youth followed by a bought of depression that was read far too much into by a doctor. I only mention this because I have mentioned the bipolar elsewhere on the board - just eradicating any possible confusion.

I've always wondered about this. Mornings are the worst for me. Around 5 PM I usually get better. Not sure why. I think it may have to do with "mental control" as said earlier here. Being unemployed due to this and depressed, I dwell on such things all day, depression, HPPD, life in general, my lack of momories/bad memory are all I think about. Just waiting for 5 PM when I usually feel fine ( I use the term "fine" loosely) and the DP/DR sort of fades. But there have been times where I just say fuck it i'm going to try and enjoy my life, and have, mid day, felt great and not thought about HPPD. Though I find it exhausting. I've also thought perhaps the darkness around 5PM helps. Sure some visuals are worse at night (trails and light related ones, after images/starburst) but I don't notice the massive amounts of floaters in my eyes as much. Those really bother me for some reason. I can't not focus on them.

And if that doesn't work, I will gladly make a financial donation to the cause. I feel like a owe a lot to this site and everyone here, such a great wealth of information. Much loves.

Keppra has helped me quite a bit. It's made DP/DR better, but i still get it from time to time. It also helped cognitively, critical thinking, and my memory. Visuals it really has not done a lot for, but I can live with that. There are side effects that got to me these first couple months, though. The worst being depression, which I've struggled with even before acquiring HPPD - so if your not prone to that already you may be better off there. Also, it has been effecting my libido. Yep. taking 1500mg/day.

I actually think about it all the time, and am considering sinemet. I got started on keppra right before/right as all of the hype and people having positive experiences started around this board. I will say i've seen some improvement with keppra though, but I still have DP/DR pretty bad at times, and visuals. But yeah, I actually am seeing my doc next week and plan on bringing up senimet and hopefully I can give it try. I've very excited about it. So far the only bad things i've heard is it's hard on the liver. The possibility of feeling normal, being able to live my life and work and do things and enjoy things someday is amazing to think about. That thought is one of the few things that keeps me going sometimes. for me...it's mostly that i got HPPD from drugs, and i'm very apprehensive/nervous about putting any type of pill/med in my mouth now-a-days. i was sort of waiting on people to report experiences and doing some research on it before i made the decision. even taking my first pill of keppra was hard for me to actually do.

thanks guy, appreciate it. four days in and I'm doing okay. I wish I could tell you I haven't smoked a single cigarette, but i've smoked two per day the last two days, none before that. Going from 2 packs a day to 2 cigs a day i'm happy with for now. All I can say is i'm going to give this my best shot and hopefully quit all together soon.

Only speaking for myself here, but weed would set off DP hardcore for me. I got HPPD from some acid I took, then smoking the day after I had a similar experience as you. Pot set of the DP/DR super hard for me, and it's been a bit of a hard transition seeing as all my friends smoke regularly, I quit smoking soon after. Weed only made things way worse for me after that. It actually took a few months of living in a sort of hell before I realized I had HPPD, but looking back now there were warning signs. But yeah, weed really effected the DP/DR for me. Might have been MDMA or LSD that set you off, but no drugs of that nature, including pot, are doing you any favors at this point imo. If I were you I would take this as a warning sign. It was for me. Best of luck, man. Glad your feeling okay.

Just figured I'd post here, hope this is the right place, it's not necessarily HPPD related. Tomorrow I quit the nicotine. There are many reasons, of course, financial, health, and otherwise. Did I mention financial? It's going to be rough, i'm sure. I've been smoking at least a pack every day for 5 years, the last year closer to two packs a day. Anyway, I've got a lot of baby carrots to keep my mouth occupied, and i'm hoping looking at the money i've saved every week will garner some motivation. Mostly i'm just sick of cigarettes. All the chemicals and crap in them may even be effecting my HPPD, I really don't know, so I'll post anything I notice...but well see. Wish me luck...

I've got them in 500mg pills, so i'm taking two per day right now. I've only been taking it for about 2 and half weeks as of now. There are plenty of people with experience with it on here whos threads you can read through as well, but for me, it has been great. I know of many people who take at least 1500mg per day, and other people who take more than that. The good thing is it's not addictive or really harmful. I was unbelievably apprehensive about putting any sort of pill/whatever in my mouth ever again after getting HPPD, but I'm glad i did. My plan right now is to keep dialing in my dosage and sit on keppra for another month or so, then I might give sinemet a try myself after all i've been hearing about it, these two in conjunction could get me right where I want to be. But yep, man, for me keppra has been a savior. Oh and also, doctors and others will tell you it takes a few weeks of taking it to get it built up in your system and you start to notice a difference, but for me, I noticed the clarity of mind pretty quickly. Being able to think again has also had the side effect of reducing some anxiety for me. It's sort of sparked hope in life for me again. That's my experience with keppra in a nutshell. All I can say is do plenty of reading on it (i'm sure you have), and best of luck to you on whatever you decide to do! EDIT: Sorry for the tread hijack merkan! Didn't intend that!

When I got the prescription my doc said to just start taking 1000mg a day. I didn't do that, it seemed like a little much after reading around here, so i started with 500mg a day for the first week, then upped to 1000mg a day and i've been here for a while. Thinking of going to 1500mg soon. BTW, i'm not a doctor, always ask your doc about stuff.

At first, no. In fact starting keppra made me even more tired. But it only lasted the first few days, and since then I haven't noticed fatigue, even after upping the dosage. I'm not a fair judge on the ache and pains though, i'm always sore. Honestly, no. I personally have experienced no ill side effects from keppra, except maybe feeling a little more tired the first few days I started taking it.

your symptoms are exactly like mine. Everything to the visual aspects the pain and fatigue. The visuals are annoying but keppra has not done a whole lot for them, what it gave me back is my cognative ability. I can think, talk, recall shit, come up with shit. I'm my old quick witted sarcastic bastard self once again. Pretty great feeling. Also DP/DR is much less prevelant in general, and may just be gone I haven't been on keppra long enough, but that used to kill me big time. wanted to edit this really quick, i feel as though i may have been to optimistic in saying my DP/DR has been that improved. It still gets to me at points every single day, but we'll see.

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Oh, also, i'll add that my DP/DR has been significantly reduced so far. I've only had one major episode of derealisation/personalization in the week and half i've been on keppra. It was at a car show with lots of people. I had to leave it got so bad, but that's the only time since i started the med.

Well, i don't know if this is a side effect of keppra, but i'm horribly depressed. I will say, though it has only been a week and a half, keppra is making a world of difference for me as far as cognitive ability, thinking clearly and feeling like my old self, although the same hardcore visual aspects of hppd everyone has have remained the same, i don't care about those, i feel like i have my brain back. Unfortunately i am experiencing major depression, much like before i even acquired hppd. It's weird, at the same time I am depressed, i'm slightly happy to be depressed, just because I now know that i can feel again. After a year of feeling dead inside, i guess i'm just happy to be able to clearly think about and understand the fact that I feel dead inside. So bittersweet. Well, i'm going to keep trying to get my life going again.

Very quick updatefor those interested, I will update more later, i'm quite busy right now. Anyway, moved up too 1000 mg a day yesterday, and noticing it makes a huge difference again. I fell mostly "normal" but am expecting it may fade after a few days like it did at 500mg. Anyway, i'm actually really happy with the results i'm getting with keppra. Also maybe of note, got an eeg done when i got the prescription, showed nothing wrong. They shined a strobe light in my face for a part of it, and i'm sure my brain activity shot up because man, that was trippy shit hah.

Oh and I'd also like to thank you 3 for the advice. I really appreciate it.