Hey, first post. I came from a derealization forum, since that's what has been bothering me the most. A little background on myself: I'm 18, starting college in the fall (studying music therapy/biology/psychology), and a musician. I've always been interested in psychedelics, and just over a year ago, I used LSD. The trip itself was glorious. I felt a sense of peace about everything, nothing mattered but those moments. I still think that to be the best night I've ever had. Four months later, I used LSD again in a completely terrible setting and basically had a negative experience, where I felt as if I were in a void of nothingness. The experience itself was very benign but the feeling of being nothing lingered on and on. I had a few panic attacks after that experience, and talked to a therapist for a bit. I set my mind to other things and forgot about my symptoms, mostly. Then, after six or so months after abstaining from psychedelics, I ate psilocybin mushrooms. I was looking for a healing or transformative experience. Basically, I experienced cosmic consciousness, and felt the most deep bliss for everything. A very incredible experience, though I did not know how to "use" it. I woke up the next morning feeling as down as ever, and particularly derealized. Fast forward to now (~6 months), and I'm at a peak of derealization, or was. A month ago I had a horrifying panic attack while driving to school. Extremely frightening.. I had about five more panic attack type things after this experience, and sought help for it. I thought it was a spiritual crisis, or something from my unconscious trying to express itself. I'm taking 100mg of Zoloft right now, and it just now seems to be working, I think. For the past two days I've felt "normal," aside from the visual disturbances. The reason I decided to look up more on HPPD was because I can't really enjoy looking at stars any more.. the sky is now just an ugly static field. Then I realized that the HPPD is my central problem.
So basically what I'm wondering is, has there ever been someone to be finished with HPPD, use a psychedelic again, and not relapse? I'm extremely interested in psychedelic's psychotherapeutic value, and I honestly would love to use them once again. I'm extremely jealous of Ann and Sasha Shulgin, who've had probably thousands of trips with no ill effects. I'm assuming it's very likely to relapse, and I am saddened I will likely have to put my interest in psychedelics to a standstill. Though, self exploration absolutely is still possible. Carl Jung never used a psychedelic, and has some incredible insights into the psyche. My new therapist wants to do holotropic breathwork with me, not sure how that will turn out. Since it is an altered-state, it might make me feel worse.. anyway, thanks for reading, and please tell me about relapses!
My symptoms:
Extreme rush of fear/derealization, sometimes preceded by deja vu
Depression, mixed in with the derealization. Waking up on the weekends for some reason is extremely difficult.
A very very slight migraine aura type visual "dent" in the center of my vision that takes weeks to go away (haven't had it in a while)
Visual snow & various other things that shouldn't be happening with my vision