holly

hey friends!! its been awhile since i have logged in and posted, but i wanted to give an update on my hppd and my life. thinking back a few years when i first noticed my symptoms and how incredibly depressed i was, compared to where i am now is night and day. i have since transitioned and been sober for 6 years and i couldn’t imagine the joy and happiness i feel now. i still deal with some symptoms when i’m exhausted, slight static and maybe some shifts in shapes in my vision in the dark. otherwise though everything else is gone, and it all feels like a bad dream looking back. i’m thankful my attempt on my life was unsuccessful, i’m thankful everyday i stuck it out knowing things will get better. if you’re like past me in the depths of depression and anxiety and you feel like there is no way for things to get better, they will!! stay strong and be kind to yourself in your weakest moments. i am immensely thankful to jay1 for talking to me early on and giving me strength to keep going. I may not be active posting but i do read (serial lurker). stay strong everyone, things do get better. Take Care, Holly idea_10-20.wav

Hey everyone, how has everyone been? just incase because i never stated it, i was formerly known as originally on here, but i’ve gone by zam for a long time now. anyways, i’ve had hppd since i was 16, got it summer of 2016. it feels like ages ago that i first noticed my symptoms. going to school and seeing patterns im the roads and lights remaining in my vision for minutes at a time. now lights stay for less than 30 seconds. i remember back then wanting to kill myself, filled with so much regret and anger at myself. feeling like life had lost all it’s meaning because i couldn’t look at the blue sky and just see that, a blue sky. instead seeing all my white blood cells and static covering everything. feeling like i wasn’t real, feeling like everyone around me wasn’t real. this uncanny feeling of everything being made of plastic. i now don’t suffer nearly as much as i did back then, and i am so thankful for that. but i now deal with what feels like schizophrenia (undiagnosed). hearing voices when i’m tired, mistaking figures for people with faces. to say the least life got harder even though my hppd got better. i don’t say all this to demotivate or say it’s impossible. i truly feel happy sometimes, but it’s so fleeting and far between that it almost doesn’t feel worth it. love you guys and thank you for being there for me when i was a 16 year old kid. -zam

I'll start by asking a few question. Do you have any other symptoms? and how severe are they? Have you had these symptoms at the ends of ceremonies before? or is it a first time to have strong residual effects? Here is some advice to help. Please discontinue all psychedelic use.

This is something you're gonna need to experiment with your doctor. If he doesn't know about your hppd, you might want to tell him. Ask about different medications and tell him how you feel on different ones. It's a trial and error, but you'll find the medication that will make your symptoms baseline and help with your bipolar. Time and patience man. Originally

Sounds like you're in a web of drugs man, that dxm is what more than likely really made your symptoms worse imo. Only thing you can really do is getting sober and developing better life habits, exercising and eating better. Good luck bro Originally

Very cool read! Harvard really be coming through

Hey everyone! How has everyone been? How’s quarantine been? It’s been awhile since I’ve logged in, roughly 10 months or so. It’s nice seeing Jay1, Maddoc and so many others who helped me a few years ago still being active. As corny as it may seem I really think you guys saved my life in 2016, made me realize that life wasn’t over. I’m now a freshman in college, finishing my second semester in a month! Passed all my classes (except math, fuck math) but I’m doing well. My visuals are still about 80-90% recovered from what they used to be, but that last 10-20% still gets in my way sometimes. I’m 19 now as well, felt like just yesterday I was a shithead 16 year old doing dumbshit with my friends. Been doing a lot better life wise recently, lost 20 pounds recently as well! I’m gonna be more active now, gonna try to be what jay was to me to others. Thank you for reading this far if you have, be kind to yourself and have a nice day! Originally

Let me give you some advice from someone who has recovered probably 80-90%. Time makes your visuals SO much better. I’ve been sober for 2 years straight, I somewhat recently have tried smoking weed here and there, I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to. Be kind to yourself and your brain, give yourself some time to heal. I can literally promise you that you will get better with time.

Should I be worried? A migraine aura can mean worse things medically correct?

Hey all, it’s been awhile since I’ve been on the forum. How is everyone doing? Hope everyone is in a better place from when I was active. I’m back again because 2 days ago I got a tension headache, dull pain for hours. During that time I got what felt like migraine static, but not migraine static. It was like a circle of inverse colors of what I was looking at all around my peripheral and in the middle of my vision. Anyone has any experience with new symptoms arising during headaches? I started to get really anxious, almost crying at a certain point because what was happening felt unfair. It went away after I took a nap, still kinda shook about it. Thank you all for reading, gonna be more active again. Love you guys -Andrew

Hey All! It's almost been two years now with HPPD, coming up on June 2nd. Man, it's been a hell of a fucking ride. I don't know where to start, I've grown so much since getting it when I was 16, I'm 18 now. I'm graduating from high school in 15 days. This site has been in my life less-so in the past year, but you guys really gave me the guidance I so needed as a confused 16-year-old. I just wanted to come on and say thank you for all the guidance and love. Just wanted to say my symptoms really have almost gone away, like 90% gone! It's just the fucking depersonalization and sadness I feel that stay with me regardless of the change I've gone through. Even though I feel this way, life is only going to get better from here! To another year! Andrew A.K.A Originally Lizard_1.mp4

Hey all! It's been a while since I've been on HPPDOnline, how's everyone doing? Going on a year and a half now with having HPPD, everything has gotten better visual symptoms wise. I see less of all my symptoms! Only thing now that has been of a recent development is a constant depersonalization and general sadness. I attribute most of it to the fact of me going to college soon and there's been an abundance of stress on my shoulders. I get small pains here and there in my neck and my lower back, it's been pretty rough since Junior year last year. I haven't touched any drugs or drank since I got HPPD, so there's at least one thing I am not fucking up. I got accepted into a college recently, saying they would give me 16k a year to attend, so I am happy about that. My general support group among friends is good, I can rely on people and they can rely on me. Sorry for typing this out like a diary, but it was nice to type this all out. I've been producing my own beats lately, and that's been a lot of fun. An outlet to let out creativity is always a good time. Sorry for the rambling and if you're reading this, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this! Till next time, Andrew G

Hey all! It's been nearly a year since I got hppd, and man was this year hard. Constantly feeling this sense of not knowing who I am and what's gonna happen. Honestly, i'm not vary happy considering the fact i kinda retracted my social presence in my life. Because of this i'm constantly ridiculed by my family for being weird. "Why don't you ever leave the house? Are you depressed?" Idk how to feel towards the people who are supposed to be there for me, especially my mom. I opened up to her about how i was feeling, and she completely disregarded what i said, saying I have no reason to be sad. Which really pissed me off because i can't tell her, "hey i did a fuck ton of drugs last year and now i feel constantly disassociated and i can't open my eyes without seeing the most fucked shit." So that's how i'm doing, in spite of her doings, i've picked up making music. If you're interested in listen, i'll leave a link in my profile. Much love guys, Andrew G

Hey man, we know you're going through shit because I go through it, same with everyone else here. Just know you're not alone and we KNOW what's it like to be at our lowest point. Many people here have posted multiple times in a span of 3 min because they're on the brink of suicide, and many people come to their aid. This place has trolls, same with everywhere else. For the most part we're very welcoming and if you need people to talk to, we're here. I still have open eyed visuals, really bad starbursts, same with halos, and my closed eyed visuals are still apparent. I get very anxious frequently, so i know what's like. We're here for you, much love. Andrew <3 (Sorry if i kinda rambled, just being honest.)